Its been a weekend of mixed emotions… Its been a very busy weekend, between having my nephew for the weekend, taking him to the fair, trying to find time to garden and write this blog.
My sweet nephew is nearly 4 and this morning he wanted to play with the playdoh, so I sat him at the table and then started reading blogs, facebook groups, etc… Then a little voice asked aunty, will you come here and see what I made? It was a circle of dough with a spider web design pressed into it. Then he asked me to sit with him, which I did. I noticed the smell of the dough, and watched as he created different things, and mashed up when he was finished. It was such a wonderful moment, its moments like these that inspire me. I want to make some pieces of art for him, as his birthday coming up soon.
Later, once my nephew went home, I ended on driving into town, to buy some curtain rods and art supplies. Normally I can fill up a shopping cart with supplies, they call to me from the shelves saying buy me, buy me, oh please pick me, I want to go home with you. I can almost see them jumping up and down like a kid in gym class begging to be picked next. I’m sure this makes me seem a little crazy, but they call to me and inspire me to create with them.
Today they were pretty quiet, nothing was screaming for me to pick it. It has left me feeling a little awkward and rather unsure of myself. I was looking for something to inspire me, or spark an idea of what to create next. What I got was silence. I picked up the canvases that I needed, some ranger ATC cards (I’m feeling lazy and not wanting to cut paper down to size) and ink pad by ranger.
So I walked around a little more thru my usual aisles, looking for the things that normally beg to be taken home, I suddenly heard this little negative voice calling to me. Asking me who did I think I was, you’re not an artist, your just a big fake. It took me a few minutes to quiet the voice and acknowledge that the little voice was my fears expressing themselves. I’ve been fighting them lately, ignoring them, and generally trying to dismiss them.
I know this is all part of the process, but it is the hardest part, I wish that I could just go charging forward without having to face and deal with these feelings of fear. In order to achieve my goals and dreams, I will have to work thru the fear. I know that lots of others have the same worries and fears, which helps me feel a little less alone on this path I am taking.
I find myself gazing out my front window,as I’ve been writing this, noticing for the first time, the leaves on our maple tree are starting to turn red and orange. Taking time to notice the beauty outside my door, reminds me that I need to be kind to myself, that I need to stop and look for the magic that exists in the world around me. Calming the fears and bringing peace. It is the peace that allows me to once again believe in myself. I can do this.